Navigating External and Inner Struggles
The Courage to See Common Ground
“Do not think of knocking out another person’s brains because he differs in opinion from you. It would be as rational to knock yourself on the head because you differ from yourself ten years ago.” ― Horace Mann
Conflict is an inescapable part of the human experience. Like yin and yang, it is the natural counterpart to harmony. Conflict stems from the subjective nature of our values, perspectives, and priorities. What one person considers good, right, or necessary differs from someone else’s worldview. These differences lead to disagreements and clashes, large and small.
While conflict often carries a negative connotation, it does not have to be.
We can discover our shared values with an open mind and willingness to hear each other. Most humans yearn for belonging, security, and purpose. Disagreements happen when we forget about our shared humanity. Our differences pale in comparison to what unites us all.
The Roots of Conflict
People often have conflicts or disagreements because they fear or don’t understand unfamiliar or different things. Humans instinctively protect their interests and become distrustful of the unknown.
We project our anxieties onto groups, ideas, and worldviews beyond ours. Tensions simmer, and conflicts erupt, often without attempts to understand different perspectives.
Values and morals differ between individuals, cultures, religions, and political groups. One person’s beliefs may seem completely alien and unacceptable to someone else. These diverse lenses shape our priorities, choices, and definitions of right versus wrong. When disparate worldviews collide and feel threatened, conflicts catch fire.
When basic human necessities are not fulfilled, it can give rise to conflicts beyond fear and ethical disparities. People fight for survival and respect when they don’t have enough resources, fairness, or freedom.
Conflicts often arise over control of limited resources, driven by rational or irrational motives and unmet psychological needs. By becoming aware of these common roots of conflict, we can look further to discover the actual needs fuelling the tension.
“An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind.” ― Mahatma Gandhi
The Duality of Inner Conflict
Humans experience both external and internal struggles that influence our actions. Known as cognitive dissonance, we often feel conflicted when our values contradict our actions, behaviors, or beliefs. For example, we may believe in eating healthy while reaching for indulgent foods. Or we project confidence while grappling with self-doubt.
When parts of ourselves clash, we become divided between competing motivations and priorities. Short-term gratification often overrides our long-term goals. Or we swing between different identities — parent, employee, friend — which call us to be other versions of ourselves. Sometimes, we harm ourselves by becoming addicted, getting distracted, or avoiding things we believe in.
All individuals contain a multitude of contradictory forces and desires. As living systems, we are shapeshifters moving between order and chaos. Too much unity causes stagnation, while excessive conflict leads to atomization. Inner harmony between opposing motives and needs creates psychic balance. Recognizing the intricacies of our being can heighten our awareness.
Through self-understanding and integration, we resolve the only conflict within our control — the civil war of the soul.
Interpersonal and Social Conflict
Beyond our inner world, interpersonal relationships become arenas for conflict. Conflicts arise between partners, friends, family, and coworkers due to misunderstandings, high expectations, feeling betrayed, and repeating patterns.
We often project our inner conflicts outwards. When defensiveness and unresolved pain impact our connections, relationships turn adversarial.
Conflict often occurs in relationships, but empathy and open communication can prevent destructive arguments. In relationships, we work on ourselves, listen, and apologize for our actions. Connecting defuses conflicts before they spiral.
Human civilization forms an intricate system with many interconnected, interdependent parts. Changes in one domain create ripple effects across others. When families experience destabilization, it impacts communities, economies, and political systems. Social conflicts occur when groups compete for resources, power, values, or interests related to rights, representation, and justice.
While often portrayed as isolated incidents, social conflicts form part of collective dysfunctions. Challenges like violence, xenophobia, and polarization stem from broader unmet needs. Sustainable solutions need to fix root causes instead of suppressing symptoms. Social harmony relies on all voices feeling heard and basic human needs fulfilled.
“All war is a symptom of man’s failure as a thinking animal.” ― John Steinbeck
Conflict Resolution
While conflict seems ingrained in human relations, techniques exist to ease constructive resolution. We must drop righteous rigidity and instead listen to understand opposing perspectives. Seeking common humanity defuses tensions far more than arguing over who is right or wrong.
Compromise requires both sides to sacrifice specific interests to meet somewhere in the middle. When navigating conflict, individuals need to separate the problems that need to be solved from their egos and identities. Frame challenges as shared dilemmas rather than personalized attacks.
Techniques like active listening without judgment, identifying shared goals, and speaking to underlying needs rather than surface positions can transform conflict dynamics. Getting curious about what someone feels and values apart from harsh places reveals creative win-win solutions.
Conflict resolution also benefits from direct but compassionate communication. Express frustrations and hurts without dehumanizing labels and blame. Recognize responsibility while acknowledging differing intents. Clarify specific needs and boundaries while reassuring the relationship’s importance.
Facing conflict head-on and finding common ground leads to fulfilling solutions. With courage, vulnerability, and empathy on all sides, conflict can illuminate pathways to deeper understanding and intimacy.
“Often those that criticise others reveal what he himself lacks.” ― Shannon L. Alder
Irreconcilable Differences
While shared understanding can resolve many conflicts, some differences ultimately prove irreconcilable. Sometimes, belief systems, moral codes, and ways of life conflict so profoundly that no compromise is possible. Two parties may need to “agree to disagree” when core values clash in a zero-sum fashion.
People with different political, religious, cultural, or philosophical views may disagree. People who strongly believe in particular ideas often take criticism of those views as personal attacks. Defensiveness replaces openness.
Conflicts involving discrimination, oppression, and perceived injustice often create unbridgeable rifts. When hierarchies and power imbalances fuel tensions, the disadvantaged cannot afford to “live and let live.” Fundamental human rights and dignity hangs in the balance.
Of course, irreconcilable differences do not need violence. Coexistence needs boundaries, but is still possible with a mutual commitment to not dehumanize each other. We must recognize when reconciling fundamental worldviews proves impossible. Conflict resolution gives way to conflict management and harm reduction in those cases.
To set realistic expectations, we must find conflicts that can turn into opportunities instead of obstacles. And in an imperfect world, managing irreconcilable conflicts peacefully is a must.
In closing, conflict forms an inevitable part of the human experience, stemming from our diverse subjective values and worldviews. Though often depicted negatively, conflict presents opportunities to evolve in understanding and expand our perspectives. By developing empathy for ourselves and others, we can navigate differences.
The key resides in uncovering our shared essence that exists before conflict. All humans yearn for belonging, dignity, and purpose at our core. When we realize we are all connected and reject being separate, we see no “others.” Our differences aren’t as significant as what brings us together.
If we stay present and open-minded during conflicts, they can lead to collective healing. We can unite as a human family by caring and being open to learning. Let’s celebrate unity and diversity.
Please share this article with your friends and family if you found it helpful. You may also subscribe to receive new material every Monday!
Instagram | Personal Website | X
© Alejandro Betancourt, 2023. All Rights Reserved.