Self-Help is Out of Touch
The Blind Spots No One Talks About
“Privilege blinds, because it’s in its nature to blind. Don’t let it blind you too often. Sometimes you will need to push it aside in order to see clearly.”
— Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
I was listening to a well-known podcast the other day, one of those high-energy, get-your-life-together types. The host was talking about “manifesting your dreams” and “finding your life’s purpose,” the kind of language we’ve all come to recognize in self-help circles.
And sure, I was nodding along at first, feeling inspired by the advice. But somewhere between his third anecdote about morning routines and a story about how quitting a day job can lead to “finding your truth,” something clicked.
I realized that all of this advice—this whole idea of self-actualization and purpose-driven living—is accessible if you’re already standing on solid ground. If you’ve got a little extra money in the bank, time to reflect, and the luxury of choosing “purpose” over a paycheck, this works wonders.
But what if you don’t? What if you’re living paycheck to paycheck, scrambling to make rent, or even holding down multiple jobs to keep food on the table?
For many people, these messages can feel tone-deaf, even infuriating.
Self-help has become a privilege reserved for those who can afford it financially, emotionally, and mentally.
It made me wonder: Is self-help even designed for everyone? Or is it mainly catering to those with the foundation to support personal growth?
How can we talk about personal development in a way that respects the realities of those living in survival mode who want to grow but are working with limited resources?
Self-improvement should be for anyone seeking a better life, regardless of where they start. Isnt it?
Self-Help's Privilege Issue
Most self-help advice assumes a lot. It assumes that you have time to meditate, money to invest in experiences, and the freedom to “just say no” to anything that doesn’t serve your “higher purpose.” Sounds nice…
But for many people, this advice is so disconnected from their day-to-day lives that it might as well be coming from another planet.
One big issue is what I like to call the “Basics Assumption.”
This is the assumption that everyone has already met their basic needs and has the luxury of focusing on their “higher” needs. The advice? Prioritize self-care, follow your passions, and find your purpose. But if you’re balancing multiple jobs, keeping the heat on, or worrying about where next month’s rent comes from. In that case, those aren’t realistic goals—they’re fantasies. For some people, surviving is the priority.
And then there’s the language, which can feel almost designed to exclude anyone not living a life of relative ease. The “abundance mindset,” “manifesting,” and “vibrational frequencies” that promise to attract wealth and happiness. But these words ring hollow, even offensive, if you’re dealing with financial strain or personal hardship. The underlying message seems to be, “Just think differently, and everything will improve,” as if deep-rooted social and economic issues can be dissolved by positive thinking alone.
I'm not demonizing self-help. I want to acknowledge that there’s a blind spot—a significant one. I include myself; I’ve had this blind spot most of the time.
For all its promise, mainstream self-help often ignores the very real, very tough constraints that many people face.
Maslow’s Pyramid Isn’t Universal
Many of these assumptions come from a well-intentioned but flawed framework: Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.
You’ve seen it before—Maslow’s pyramid, with basic needs like food, safety, and shelter at the bottom, followed by emotional needs, and finally, at the top, the goal of “self-actualization.” The logic? People must meet their foundational needs before working on “higher” pursuits like personal growth, creativity, and purpose.
In theory, it makes sense. But life isn’t as tidy as a pyramid.
In reality, people don’t just live in one level of need at a time. Even people in survival mode can still strive, dream, and grow. In some cases, that drive can even be sharpened by hardship. It requires a different approach that respects and recognizes the challenges of living.
Take the single parent working two jobs who dreams of becoming a writer or the young adult juggling student loans and a minimum-wage job while yearning for a purpose. These people may be bound by constraint but still hunger for fulfillment, creativity, and growth. The traditional model would say, “Focus on stability first, then pursue your passions.” But life isn’t always willing to wait until things are “just right.”
When self-help disregards people’s immediate, everyday struggles, it misses out on something powerful: the resilience and ingenuity that can come from navigating hardship. Growth doesn’t wait for ideal conditions—it happens in the cracks, in those small moments between obligations, or in the courage it takes to keep going.
Resilience is growth, and being in survival mode can be an extraordinary form of self-actualization.
“The greatest blessings of mankind are within us and within our reach. A wise man is content with his lot, whatever it may be, without wishing for what he has not.”
— Seneca
What We Miss
One of the biggest issues I see with mainstream self-help is its tendency to ignore or deny the genuine barriers people face. It operates under an optimism bubble where circumstances don’t matter, where anyone can “just do it” if they believe hard enough.
But things like food insecurity, lack of access to healthcare, systemic discrimination, and single-income stress aren’t minor obstacles—they’re structural realities. And when we gloss over these challenges, it doesn’t just exclude people; it risks making them feel inadequate or even blaming them for their circumstances.
This disconnect can create invisible barriers to growth.
If you’re constantly hearing that “success is a mindset” or that “you have the power to create your reality.” Yet, your lived experience says otherwise; you’re left feeling isolated and resentful. The message becomes that if you’re struggling, it must be because you’re not trying hard enough or thinking positively enough. The reality is that most people are already doing everything they can.
The mental and emotional load of survival alone is often overwhelming. Balancing multiple jobs, managing childcare, navigating healthcare, or dealing with many hardships takes a constant toll. Self-help in its current form tends to overlook this weight, as if personal growth happens in a vacuum.
Self-help at its best is meant to help people move toward a life that feels better, not more burdensome. By excluding those in survival mode, the self-help industry misses out on something powerful: the wisdom and resilience that can come from navigating life’s hardest challenges.
Creating Inclusivity
If self-help is going to live up to its name, it must be valuable and accessible for everyone—not just those who can afford coaching and workshops or time for 90-minute morning routines.
We need to redefine success and growth. Success doesn’t mean a six-figure income, an entrepreneurial career, or perpetual fulfillment. Sometimes, it’s the small things—getting through a tough day, being there for your kids, or taking a few moments to breathe. We need success to include these small, meaningful achievements. Getting more stability or finding a brief moment of joy is a victory.
Self-help advice often hinges on high-effort, time-intensive practices—long meditation sessions, journaling for hours, hiring coaches, etc. But growth doesn’t have to come from extensive, time-consuming rituals. We could emphasize small, flexible practices instead. Maybe it’s taking five minutes to write down one thing you’re grateful for or finding a few moments to stretch during the day. These small habits may seem modest but can change someone over time.
Celebrate tiny wins—small actions and decisions that build up over time. Tiny wins could be something as simple as eating a healthy meal, setting a small boundary, or even acknowledging that today was hard, but you showed up anyway.
Not everyone has the same privilege of choice. Before urging people to “quit what doesn’t serve them” or “say no to obligations,” it’s essential to acknowledge that many don’t have the luxury of walking away from jobs or cutting off complex relationships without severe consequences. Instead, we can focus on setting boundaries within those circumstances, like finding ways to take micro-breaks or small acts of self-compassion when times are tough.
Voices of privilege overwhelmingly lead the self-help industry —myself included—which means the advice can be one-dimensional. We need to include stories from people across different walks of life—those juggling multiple roles, living with chronic illness, or coming from marginalized communities.
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
— Carl Rogers
Speaking Responsibly
It’s easy to forget how much our words are shaped by the conditions we’re used to. But this awareness isn’t just relevant to the self-help industry—it’s something we can bring to any conversation, whether with friends, colleagues, or strangers. Our assumptions about others often show up, subtly and unconsciously, and sometimes in ways that distance us from people whose lives are different.
Let’s say you’re at dinner with friends, discussing your latest fitness goal or a recent trip abroad. It’s natural to share the parts of our lives that excite us, and we all know how these conversations tend to go. But here’s a question: how often do we stop to consider that someone else at the table might not be able to pursue those same goals? Maybe they’re dealing with a workload that doesn’t allow time for health routines, or they’re saving every spare dollar for a family obligation.
Or think about how we talk about career moves—“just take a leap,” “if you’re not happy, quit.” These phrases can sound inspiring, but they might also make someone financially constrained feel like their struggles are invisible, like the barriers they face are too minor to matter.
Awareness isn’t about stifling enthusiasm or hiding our successes; it’s considering that our experiences are only one way of living, not a universal standard. When conscious of this, our words can open conversations rather than shut people out.
It's not about guilt or censoring ourselves. It’s about looking at the world with greater context. It is about “I recognize that my path isn’t the only one.” It’s a way of speaking that invites understanding rather than assumptions, showing that we care about how the world looks through others’ eyes.
From Awareness to Conscious Connection
This isn’t about holding back on our excitement or censoring our experiences. It’s about being open to the idea that our reality is just one reality and there’s a world of lives we don’t see.
If self-help and personal growth are about becoming better versions of ourselves, then part of that growth is consciously learning to engage with others.
So next time we’re talking—whether over coffee with friends, a work meeting, or a casual chat with someone we’ve just met—let’s pause and consider: How might this sound to someone with a different reality? It’s a small habit that can make our words more inclusive, conversations more genuine, and relationships more meaningful.
This simple shift in perspective reminds us that growth isn’t just about achieving more; it’s also about understanding more. And that’s something we can all aspire to, no matter where we are.
“Not everything that is faced can be changed,
but nothing can be changed until it is faced.”
— James Baldwin
Recommended Readings for Further Exploration
"The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brené Brown. Brené deeply explains how embracing imperfections can lead to true self-acceptance and resilience. What I love about Brené’s approach is that it’s not about reaching some idealized version of ourselves—it’s about finding strength in who we already are, flaws and all. This is an excellent reminder that growth requires honesty and self-compassion, not perfection or privilege.
"When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chödrön. Pema’s work is precious for anyone looking to grow through challenges rather than bypass them. She talks about finding peace amid chaos and seeing hardship as an opportunity for transformation. Her approach is compassionate, grounded, and realistic. She offers insights anyone can connect with, regardless of privilege, because she speaks to the heart of human experience—pain, resilience, and growth.
"Evicted: Poverty and Profit in the American City" by Matthew Desmond. Matthew’s work is a wake-up call to the realities of poverty and housing insecurity in America. He explores how systemic issues trap people in cycles of hardship, showing how the structure of society often fails the very people it claims to support. This book opened my eyes to how our society overlooks those in survival mode and how privilege can shield us from seeing these harsh truths. It’s an essential read for anyone interested in understanding the natural barriers many people face, and it makes us rethink what self-help can look like in different circumstances.
"The Art of Happiness" by the Dalai Lama and Howard Cutler. In this book, the Dalai Lama explores happiness not as a luxury but as something achievable even under challenging conditions. His conversations with Howard Cutler reveal that happiness isn’t about having it all; it’s about training our minds to find peace in any situation. I appreciate how the Dalai Lama’s perspective is profoundly human and realistic, recognizing that happiness and growth are within reach even when life isn’t perfect. It’s a beautiful reminder that resilience and compassion are the heart of genuine self-help.
"The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World" is another work by the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu. Together, these two leaders share their thoughts on finding joy amidst hardship, pain, and even global issues that seem overwhelming. They recognize that privilege and hardship shape our experiences but show us how joy can exist alongside difficulty.
Love this truth thank you 🙏 for sharing these important thoughts!