The Beauty of Feeling Torn
Why Conflicting Emotions are a Gift and Needed
"The snake which cannot cast its skin has to die. The minds that are prevented from changing their opinions; they cease to be minds." — Friedrich Nietzsche
Picture this: You've just landed your dream job, but it requires moving to a new city and leaving behind friends and family. You're thrilled about the opportunity but, at the same time, anxious and sad about the impending change. Or maybe you're in a long-term relationship with someone you love, but you can't shake the feeling that something's missing, that you're not fulfilled. Sounds familiar?
Conflicting feelings are a fundamental part of the human experience. They arise when faced with difficult decisions, navigating complex relationships, or encountering life's inevitable ups and downs. Yet, some people believe we should strive for happiness and certainty only, free from internal conflict. Is this desirable or even possible?
As I built companies, coached executives, raised twins, and wrote about the human condition, I've realized that our conflicting feelings aren't just natural—they're necessary. They serve as a compass, guiding us through life's toughest challenges and helping us grow in ways we never thought possible.
But embracing our conflicting feelings is easier said than done. We've been conditioned to view them as a sign of weakness or indecision, something to be ashamed of. How often have you felt guilty for experiencing conflicting emotions about something important, like a career choice or a relationship?
It's time we challenge this notion and start seeing our conflicting feelings for what they are: a powerful tool for self-discovery and personal growth.
So buckle up and get ready to question what you thought you knew about inner conflict. It's time to stop running from our conflicting feelings and start embracing them as the invaluable guides they are.
The Myth of Singular Feelings
From a young age, we're taught to value consistency and singularity in our feelings and thoughts. We're told that a clear, unwavering stance on things shows strength and moral fortitude. Where does this idea come from? Is it helping us?
The roots of this belief can be traced back to ancient Greek philosophy, particularly the works of Plato and Aristotle. They believed in the existence of absolute truths and the importance of living a life guided by reason and logic. This idea was later reinforced by thinkers like Descartes and Kant, who emphasized the power of rational thought and the pursuit of universal principles.
But in our quest for consistency and singularity, we've lost sight of the beautiful complexity of the human experience. We're not robots programmed to have a single, unwavering opinion on every issue. We're messy, contradictory, and evolving.
For example, Martin Luther King Jr.'s life is often remembered as a beacon of unwavering conviction. He knew exactly what he believed in and never wavered. But a closer look at his writings reveals a much more nuanced picture. In his famous "Letter from Birmingham Jail," King grapples with the tension between his commitment to nonviolence and his growing frustration with the pace of change. He writes:
"I have almost reached the regrettable conclusion that the Negro's great stumbling block in his stride toward freedom is not the White Citizen's Councilor or the Ku Klux Klanner, but the white moderate, who is more devoted to 'order' than to justice."
King's words reveal a man unafraid to acknowledge his conflicting feelings, to sit with the discomfort of uncertainty, and to move forward. He understood that having a singular, unwavering stance wasn't just unrealistic—it was a barrier to actual progress.
So why do we still cling to this myth of singular feelings?
It could be because it's easier than dealing with the messiness of our contradictions. Perhaps it's because we fear being seen as weak or indecisive. Embracing our conflicting feelings is a sign of strength, not weakness. It's a willingness to engage with the world in all its complexity and to stay open to new ideas and perspectives.
"Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself, (I am large, I contain multitudes.)" — Walt Whitman
The Psychology of Conflicting Emotions
So why do we experience conflicting emotions in the first place? What happens to our brains when we feel torn between two apparently incompatible feelings?
The answer lies in the field of psychology. One of the key concepts here is cognitive dissonance, which refers to the mental discomfort we feel when we hold two contradictory beliefs, values, or attitudes. For example, you might believe that honesty is essential but then find yourself telling a white lie to avoid hurting someone's feelings. The dissonance between your beliefs and your actions can lead to feelings of guilt, anxiety, and self-doubt.
Cognitive dissonance is the tip of the iceberg when understanding conflicting emotions. Another concept is the theory of emotional complexity, which suggests that our emotional experiences are rarely, if ever, simple. Instead, we often feel many, sometimes contradictory emotions simultaneously.
How did you feel when you considered becoming a parent, taking on a new role at work, or ending a long-term relationship? Chances are, you experienced a whirlwind of conflicting emotions. As a new parent, you might have felt overwhelming love, joy, fear, exhaustion, and loss for your old life. When starting a new job, you might have felt excited and proud but also anxious and unsure of yourself. When ending a relationship, you might have felt sadness and grief. Still, you also have relief and a sense of possibility.
Conflicting emotions are common in our daily lives. They're not a sign that something is wrong with us but rather a reflection of our emotional worlds' rich, complex nature.
You're not alone if you feel torn between two seemingly incompatible emotions. It's a standard, even healthy part of the human experience. The key is to learn how to sit with that discomfort, to resist the urge to push away or ignore the feelings that don't fit into our desired narrative.
By embracing a full range of emotional experiences, we open ourselves up to a more profound, authentic way of being in the world. We become more resilient, adaptable, and attuned to the nuances of our hearts and minds.
Embracing Conflict
If conflicting emotions are a normal and essential part of the human experience, what do we do with them? How can we learn to tolerate and embrace the conflict within ourselves?
The answer lies in recognizing the immense value of this inner conflict. Far from being a burden or a sign of weakness, the ability to hold and engage with conflicting feelings is a strength. It leads to deeper understanding, greater creativity, and more effective decision-making.
When we experience the range of our emotions, even when they seem in opposition, we open ourselves up to a richer, more nuanced understanding of ourselves and the world around us. We become more attuned to the complexities of the human experience and more able to empathize with others' struggles and triumphs.
This idea is echoed in the work of many great thinkers and researchers. The psychologist Carl Jung, for example, believed that the path to self-realization involved integrating the various, often conflicting aspects of our psyche. He wrote:
"The greatest and most important problems of life are all fundamentally insoluble. They can never be solved but only outgrown."
In other words, it's not about eliminating conflict but about learning to accept it, to grow with it, and to move through it.
The philosopher John Dewey argued that engaging with complex, even contradictory ideas was essential for creativity and innovation. He believed that the most productive form of thinking involved simultaneously considering many, often opposing, viewpoints and using that tension to generate new insights and possibilities.
Research has also shown that people who embrace and integrate conflicting feelings tend to make more thoughtful, well-rounded choices. They're less likely to fall prey to black-and-white thinking or be swayed by a single perspective.
The next time you find yourself torn between conflicting emotions, resist the urge to push one side away or force a premature resolution. Instead, take a deep breath and lean into the discomfort. Ask yourself what each emotion teaches you and what insights or opportunities might be hidden within the conflict.
It won't always be easy, but with practice, you may find that embracing your inner conflicts leads to a greater sense of wholeness, authenticity, and resilience. You may discover new depths of creativity and empathy, new ways of navigating life's challenges with grace and wisdom.
"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there." — Rumi
I want to leave you with a simple yet profound thought: pursuing a conflict-free existence is unrealistic and undesirable.
We find the most incredible opportunities for growth, creativity, and connection in our conflicting emotions' messy, uncomfortable spaces. Think back to a recent decision or experience where you faced conflicting emotions. It could be a career choice, a relationship dilemma, or a personal challenge. How did you navigate those feelings? Did you try to push one side away or find a way to hold and learn from the conflict?
I have a challenge for you if you're ready to start embracing your emotional complexity. This week, try sitting with and observing your emotions without judgment. It could take a few minutes each day. You could journal about a decision or experience where you feel torn, exploring each side with curiosity and compassion.
At the end of the week, share your findings in the comments. What did you learn about yourself and your emotions? What insights or opportunities emerged from embracing your conflicts?
I'm always excited to hear your thoughts, stories, and insights. Leave a comment below, and let's keep this conversation going. If you found value in this article, please share it with someone who might need to hear this message today. Until next time, keep embracing your conflicts and celebrating your inner conflict.
Recommended Readings for Further Exploration
"Thinking, Fast and Slow" by Daniel Kahneman: This book by a Nobel laureate explores the dual process of our thinking: System 1, fast and intuitive, and System 2, slow and deliberate. Daniel discusses how these systems shape our judgments and decisions, often leading to conflicting internal states.
"Emotional Agility" by Susan David. Susan provides insights into how we can navigate life’s complexities with self-acceptance, clear-sightedness, and an open mind. The book emphasizes the importance of embracing our emotions, including conflicting feelings, as essential to developing resilience and thriving in adversity.
"The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less" by Barry Schwartz tackles the issue of how the abundance of choice in modern society leads to significant internal conflict. Barry discusses how this can result in paralysis rather than liberation and suggests ways to streamline our decision-making processes.
"Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation" by Daniel J. Siegel. Daniel introduces the concept of "mindsight," which is the ability to perceive the internal workings of our minds. He shows how understanding and naming our emotions can help resolve internal conflicts and lead to a more integrated self.
"Antifragile: Things That Gain from Disorder" by Nassim Nicholas Taleb. Nassim introduces the concept of antifragility, which goes beyond resilience or robustness. His theories encourage thriving in chaos and benefiting from volatility, uncertainty, and stressors, including emotional conflicts.
"The Wisdom of Insecurity: A Message for an Age of Anxiety" by Alan Watts. In this book, Alan argues that resolving internal conflict involves embracing the present and acknowledging our insecurities. Watts provides a compelling argument against the pursuit of security as a means to a conflict-free life.
"The Upside of Your Dark Side: Why Being Your Whole Self--Not Just Your 'Good' Self--Drives Success and Fulfillment" by Todd Kashdan and Robert Biswas-Diener. This book explores the benefits of understanding and integrating our positive emotions and those we consider negative. The authors argue that embracing the full range of our experiences and emotions, including conflict, is key to living a fulfilling life.
Another great read, like always tocayo!