You Are NOT What You Do, Eat, or Who You Spend Time With
Discover the Self Behind Actions, Habits, and Relationships
"You have power over your mind—not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength." — Marcus Aurelius
"You are what you eat." "You are what you do." "You are who you spend time with." We've all heard these phrases. At first glance, they seem to make sense. After all, the food we consume impacts our health, the habits we build shape our routines, and the company we keep influences our mindset.
It's easy to buy into this narrative: that we are nothing more than the accumulation of our actions, habits, and surroundings.
I don’t agree with it.
Not because these factors don't affect us—they do.
Who we spend time with, what we feed our minds and bodies, and our daily choices impact us. We should be intentional about the people we let into our lives, the information we consume, and the behaviors we repeat.
But the problem isn't acknowledging influence—it's allowing those influences to define us.
Does making one mistake make you a failure? Does telling one lie make you a liar? Does accidentally killing a dog make you a dog killer? Some might say yes. But I say no: our actions, surroundings, or thoughts do not determine who we are.
We are the cause, not the effect.
There's a vital distinction between "who we are" and "what we do".
Our actions, thoughts, and relationships are reflections—effects—of something much more profound.
They come from us, but they do not define us.
Until we understand this, we'll be chasing a false sense of identity at the mercy of what we do or don't do.
The real question is, if we aren't what we do, eat, or think, then who are we?
The Influence of External Factors
I'm not saying that external factors, such as what you eat, who you spend time with, or what you do or don't do, do not matter—they do.
These things influence us, sometimes more than we realize. But while these factors affect our behavior, they do not define who we "are." Have you ever noticed how different people respond to the same situation differently? Two people could grow up in the same household, eat the same meals, and hang out with the same people, yet they are very different.
Why?
Their inner selves—their values, intentions, and how they interpret the world—are different.
External factors are at play, but how people process them and make choices varies. Your environment can shape how you think, act, or react, but it doesn't dictate who you are.
There is a difference between being influenced and being defined by something.
Take, for example, someone who grew up in a household where failure was frowned upon. They might be terrified of making mistakes because their environment taught them that failure equals worthlessness. Another person in a similar environment might internalize the opposite lesson—they see failure as part of the learning process. Both people are influenced by their environment but have vastly different perspectives on failure. Why? because they process that influence based on who they are.
If you believe what you do or experience defines you, you put the effect before the cause. You're letting external circumstances dictate your identity.
You regain control if you see these external factors as influences—things that can sway your decisions but don't determine who you are.
Your actions and choices come from within. They are expressions of your inner self, not the other way around.
Imagine yourself in a toxic work environment, surrounded by negativity and people who constantly complain. It's easy to get caught up in that energy, to start complaining, maybe even adopting some negative attitudes. Does this make you a negative person by default? Not necessarily. The environment may influence you, but you are not defined by it. You still have the choice to decide whether that negativity becomes part of your identity or remains a passing influence.
The same goes for anything external—the food you eat, the media you consume, or the people you spend time with. These are variables in the equation. Yes, they can sway your habits, thinking, and emotions, but they are the "effect" of you. This is a powerful realization because it means you can choose how much power these factors have over you. You can adjust your environment, but more importantly, you can change how you process it.
"Man is not the creature of circumstances; circumstances are the creatures of men."
— Benjamin Disraeli
The "I“ Behind Everything
So, if we're not the sum of what we do, eat, or think—what are we? Who is this "I" that exists beyond the surface?
Let's start with a simple analogy. Imagine you're a painter. The paintings you create—the strokes, colors, and shapes—are your actions. They're the visible outcomes of your work. Some paintings might be brilliant, others less so, but none are you. They're expressions of you. They come from your mind, skill, and creativity, but they don't define who you are as an artist. Even if one piece turns out badly, it doesn't change the fact that you're still the one holding the brush.
In the same way, your actions are like those paintings. They are outcomes of your decisions, choices, and intentions—but they are not you. There's something more profound, the painter behind the painting, and that's the "I" we're talking about here. The "I" is the part of you that observes, decides, and ultimately creates. Your actions affect this more profound self, expressions of who you are, but they don't encapsulate your identity.
This separation between the "I" and the actions it produces is crucial because it allows for growth, change, and even redemption. If our actions define us, any mistake would freeze us into a permanent identity. You fail once; you're a failure forever. You tell one lie, and now you're a liar for life. But we know that's not true. People change, evolve, and grow. Why? Because the actions and behaviors are temporary expressions of something deeper that can shift, adapt, and be chosen differently next time.
Now, let's take this idea of the "I" further. Have you ever noticed that you can observe your thoughts? You can catch yourself thinking something and even question it—"Why did I just think that?" or "Where did that come from?" This means there's an observer within you, something that is not your thoughts but is aware of them.
That's the real "I."
You'd have no distance from your thoughts if they defined you. You couldn't step back and say, "Hmm, that's an odd thought," or "That doesn't feel like me." But the fact that you can step back means a part of you is more profound, more fundamental, and separate from the stream of thoughts running through your mind. This part of you is the source, the origin point from which everything else flows.
Here's another way to look at it: The "I" is like the sky, and your thoughts, actions, and experiences are the clouds. The clouds shift, change, and pass by—they're temporary and don't affect the essence of the sky itself. No matter what kind of clouds roll in, the sky remains vast. Your core self—the "I"—remains steady, regardless of the passing clouds of thoughts, actions, or external circumstances.
When you grasp this, everything shifts. You stop identifying so closely with your actions or mistakes because you realize they're fleeting outcomes. They're things you do, not things you are. This is a powerful realization because you are never permanently tied to your past, habits, or even your most deeply ingrained behaviors. You can always choose differently. You can always create a new painting.
The world constantly tries to box us in, to say, "This is who you are because this is what you've done." But this needs to be clarified. What you've done is not who you are—it reflects where you've been and your choices at a particular moment. The real you—the "I"—is the one who gets to make the next choice, who gets to decide what happens from here.
The Separation of Self
You are the cause, not the effect.
There's a gap, a separation, between the actions you take and who you are at your core. And understanding this difference is what gives you absolute freedom—freedom from being defined by your mistakes, circumstances, or even successes.
When I say that you're the cause, I mean that your inner self—the "I" we've been talking about—creates your actions, but they do not create it.
There's an intention, a decision, a spark within you that leads to your actions. Those actions are outcomes but don't reevaluate and define the origin.
Think of it like this: The sun produces light, but no matter what happens to that light after it's emitted—whether it gets blocked by clouds, reflected in a mirror, or absorbed by the ground—it doesn't change the nature of the sun. The sun remains the cause, unaffected by what happens to its light. In the same way, you are the source of your actions, not the product of them.
Imagine you've made a mistake at work—missed an important deadline. It's easy to spiral and think, "I failed, so I'm a failure." But that's an effect-first mindset. You're taking an outcome—an action that didn't go as planned—and using it to define yourself. That mistake is just an effect, a result of choices or circumstances at that moment. It doesn't change the core of who you are. You still have the power to make different choices tomorrow, learn from that mistake, and create a different outcome next time.
Or take the example of lying. Let's say you lied in a moment of weakness or fear. Does that make you a liar? You need to understand the distinction between cause and effect. The lie is an effect of your situation, driven by fear, insecurity, or pressure. But it's not who you are. You can choose to acknowledge it, learn from it, and act differently in the future. You are still the source of your actions—the cause—and you have the power to shift what you produce.
External circumstances can influence our actions—stress, environment, and the people around us. These influences shape the effects we see in our lives, but they don't penetrate the core of who we are. For example, if you've been hanging around negative people, you might think or behave in more harmful ways. But those behaviors are still just effects—expressions of what's happening in your environment, not the essence of you. If you remove yourself from that environment, or better yet, choose to reject its influence. In that case, your actions can change, but your self—the "I"—remains untouched.
Realizing this means your actions or past behaviors never trap you. You can always course-correct, change your habits, and make different choices. You're holding the steering wheel, no matter what road you've been driving. But when we let ourselves be defined by the effects—by our actions, mistakes, or circumstances—we give away that control. We start to believe that the road we've been on is our only path.
Start seeing your actions as reflections, expressions of something more profound rather than the full picture of who you are. When you do this, you free yourself from the weight of your past, the labels others put on you, and the limitations you place on yourself. You realize that you can always change the effects of your life.
It's not denying responsibility for your actions. On the contrary, it's taking full ownership—understanding that while your actions matter, they're not the whole story. They're the outcomes of your decisions, and you always have the power to make new ones. You are the cause, and the effects—your actions, thoughts, and circumstances—are constantly in motion and subject to change.
"The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking." — Albert Einstein
Knowing Who You Are
There's a moment when we all ask ourselves: Who am I?
Not in terms of the things we've done, the titles we've earned, or the mistakes we've made—but something deeper.
When you strip away the external, what's left?
The answer to that question holds immense power because once you understand who you are, you become unshakable.
The world will try to define you by your actions, failures, or roles. But freedom comes when you no longer accept those definitions. When you realize that nothing outside of you—not your circumstances, achievements, or mistakes—can touch the essence of who you are, you begin to live from a place of inner strength. You stop letting the world tell you who to be and start creating your path, driven by a deeper understanding.
Knowing who you are isn't about never making mistakes or being perfect. It's recognizing that you are the source of everything that follows. And when you get that, nothing in the external world can diminish your worth. The noise around you fades, and what's left is clarity, focus, and the freedom to create your life on your terms.
Are you ready to live in that place?
Because the moment you choose to, everything changes.
Recommended Readings for Further Exploration
"The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz explains how societal expectations and external influences shape our beliefs and how we can break free from these agreements to live authentically. It’s a great exploration of how our actions and environment are not who we are but learned patterns we can choose to unlearn.
"Daring Greatly" by Brené Brown tackles the fear of vulnerability and how we often let our mistakes or external judgments define us. She encourages embracing vulnerability as a strength, reminding us that our worth isn't tied to our actions or others' opinions but to our willingness to show up as our true selves.
In "Start With Why," Simon Sinek explains that discovering your “why” aligns with the idea of being the cause of your actions, not defined by the effects. He emphasizes that knowing your deeper purpose drives meaningful action, not external success or failure. It’s all about the inner "why" that fuels the outward "what."
"The Courage to Be Disliked" by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga explores Adlerian psychology principles, focusing on how our past or external circumstances do not define us. It challenges the idea that we need approval or validation from others, reinforcing that we are the creators of our own lives, not shaped by external judgments.
"Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance" by Angela Duckworth's research into grit ties into the idea that any action, failure, or moment does not define us. Instead, it’s about long-term perseverance and commitment, which come from within. This book is perfect for understanding how inner strength, not external labels, determines who we are and what we achieve.